I Feel Like I Am On Borrowed Time – & A Never Seen “Before” Picture

6 04 2011

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It’s 6AM….I wake up  go to get dressed.

I put on my cycling kit, most of this is a size “Large”

I get to work & get changed

I put on “Medium” Boxers, 34″ Pants and 16″ Shirts.

Yet every day , wearing clothes with those sizes I feel I am on borrowed time, I feel that, any second now, the world will come crumbling down around me and before I know it I will be back in  8XL.

I cant explain why , In all of my adult life, I have never worn clothes so small, I am lov’in it, every second of it but I am scared, scared to death it’s all gonna come crumbling down around my ears any second.

I’m not even sure why I am posting this, or what it will achieve, but I just feel I need to put it down, in writing, so that I can analysis it and deal with it, its what’s worked upto now, so why not.

In Other News, I found a picture from work, its a before picture that has never been seen before, I was APPROX 28 Stone here.Just looking at it makes me feel SICK……

This is how I look at work these days.

& in other news I am shocked I am still alive, NO I didnt crash my bike I looked at some old data from Garmin, OMG how unfit was I just last year ?

I picked out a random day from a week where my Heart Rate was around the same for the whole week.

AVERAGE Heart Rate 107%

Max 134%

and that was over a SHORT 6 mile ride.  Where I struggled to average over 10Mph

Now fast forward to this week:

Distance is almost DOUBLE

Average speed is over 16 MPH

Max HR 91%

Average 78%

I think this data is more damming proof than the pictures of how ill I was but also how far I have come.

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12 responses

6 04 2011
jon hart

Feeling like your great weight loss will not last is inevitable but I do believe if you keep talking and blogging about your weight loss it will keep you on the straight and narrow. Think of yourself as an inspiration to others so the more the wight stays off the more you are helping others, I feel reading your posts has made me want to get my eating under control and not by crash dieting but by sensible and healthy eating, thank you for inspiring me

6 04 2011
39stonecyclist

Your right, I have come from 40 stone and clothes 8x the size, there will be an eliment of inevitability I guess.

I just need to ensure I nail it and dont drop my guard, be honest with myself and put down my feelings so I ensure that I CANT slip back.

Knowing I help others does keep me going too, I enjoy the pressure 🙂

Gaz

6 04 2011
welshcyclist

You have travelled far, on so many levels. There is no going back! I am, and all of us in the cycling blogosphere, and beyond are in total awe of your achievements. Keep pedalling!

6 04 2011
39stonecyclist

Thanks Man

Appreciate your support I really do

Gaz

6 04 2011
conor

Hi Gaz, came across your blog and have been totally inspired by your journey.

I also have a Garmin computer and I noticed that you had an average of 107% of your max heart rate, whereas on the graph it looks like you hit highs of approximately 130, which is isn’t terribly high (my max is supposed to be 185, although I’ve been known to hit 198).

On the basis that your max should be approximately 220 minus your age, your Garmin seems to think you’re 90 years old!

Also, if you click on ‘bpm’ rather than ‘% of max’ it will tell you what your actual was.

All that being said, congratulations on getting it down to 44bpm. That’s awesome!

Conor

8 04 2011
39stonecyclist

Thanks for your comment

The graph shows the % of MHR not the BMP (In the first one anyway) if I set it to show BMP you would see it was WELL over 200 🙂

Thanks Man

Gaz

6 04 2011
Fizzhogg

Here’s the thing – the habits you had, took YEARS to develop. You have only been on the new health habit for a couple of years.

The fear is normal. But use it. Feed off of it.

Fear is energy. Take that fear and transfer it to your pedals, and your eating.

8 04 2011
39stonecyclist

How very true, its something I KEEP trying to tell myself over and over again, its not been 3 years yet, but the bad habits have been ongoing for over 27 years now !!!

I fed off that fear today, with the longest, hardest ride of the year so far, it felt great .

7 04 2011
marystumbles

I feel the same but the weight isn’t going to go back on overnight. I once worked out how many bags of jelly tots I would have to eat in order to put the 8 stone that I have lost back on.

When I got to a healthy BMI I did wonder how long it would last, but this is now over a year ago. I thought that if I had a stressful period in my life that I would turn back to food for continuing comfort. However last year I bought a flat, my grandmother died, my grandad was diagnosed with mouth cancer. Then to top it all I came off my bike and seperated my shoulder. I had to have emergency surgery and was off work and in a sling for 7 weeks and unable to ride my bike for 4 months. The week following my accident I put on over a stone but got focused and it came off. In total over the year I put on 8lb.

What I learnt was that through changing my diet I had learnt so much about myself and how I react to situations. It isn’t easy, maintaining a weight loss is hard because I became used to being “rewarded” with my weight decreasing and there was always the next half a stone/stone to aim at. Maintainance doesn’t have that element to it.

good luck

8 04 2011
39stonecyclist

Thanks for sharing

Lets hope I can keep my focus, one thing I do miss is the thrill of the weight loss chase, I have yet to find something to replace that with too.

Gaz

7 04 2011
Clive Chapman

What Welshie said…

8 04 2011
39stonecyclist

🙂

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