Its time to drop the “c” bomb ….Im cured of selective eating disorder !

 

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I really never thought I’d get here. With tears streaming, down my face, this will be the most open, honest and laid bare post I ever make.

But in the words of coldplay “if you never try, then you never know”

I will indeed try to “fix you”

Here is a quick recap, since I was 3 years old, I only ever ate crisp, chocolate and haribo type sweets.

That was all, I was paralysed by fear to even talk about food, social events were horrific, there was no romantic Meals, all there was, was this eating disorder.

There were issues in my personal life that caused me to comfort eat, now, for legal purposes reasons I can’t talk about them just yet, but by the time I have wrote my book, they will be in there. And the reasons behind hitting 40 are, trut me, mind blowing……

Someone, once threw spag boll sauce across my face, this was supposed to be someone close to me, I was that scared of food, I ran for the shower and I didn’t come out for hours.

So I had quite a big project here, how the hell do I do it, it’s been 27 years, I was 40 stone, paralysed with fear and fat, with 2 amazing kids that I simply HAD to fix myself for, they deserve the best dad as they are the best kids you can ask for.

I knew I couldn’t lose weight and fix an eating disorder at the same time, I simply wasn’t strong enough, most people don’t have it in them to lose 26 stone of excess fat, let alone the other battles I had to fight

I looked at the war and I then drew the battle lines in the sand….

So I chose to fix my weight, I dropped from 39 Stone to 13 stone, on a diet of crisps and chocolate, I grew more than I ever thought I could, I became a machine, setting kom’s on Strava, almost dipping under 3 hours on the Manchester to Blackpool despite riding solo, riding with pain, anger, focus, no one could tuch me, I became unstoppable……..the mental toughness to beat that weight on THAT diet was, incredible,

I was being told I was an inspiration

But I didn’t feel it

I was a good cyclists, on a crap diet, I knew, with a proper eating structure, I could take on the best, but it was just a Dream, I had my disorder for 27 years. I was feeling that I was getting too od to fix it. There were so many battles, did I have the strength left, I was battle scarred but battle hardened.

Men don’t feel comfortable talking about eating disorders, we I’m gonna blow that sky high, I’ll be the most outspoken man who has suffered more thn one eating disorder that there has ever been, I’m going to raise the profile for male suffers and get more help going.

Then , like divine intervention, something happened, something that changed my life forever, I was handed the right “motivator “to do this, I had the toughness, I just needed the reason, I had to learn to cook, to be comfortable with food and boy, did I ever, within a week I was master of the kitchen orchestra.

It felt great, and then, further divine intervention gave me some real support, some genuine help, a rock, sent by a guardian angle, I started trying bits of my cooking here and there……

Then, almost overnight, I was in recovery, and in the first few weeks I ate

Bananas
Garlic bread
Chicken

But I wasn’t fixed, see people with selective eating disorder hate more than one different thing at once a day keep the list of safe foods small, I was getting better, but I wasn’t close to being fixed, there was also the issue you public eating, how I never would.

I pushed myself hard, I wanted to be fixed, for me, far my future, for the future of my kids and anyone else out there who’s life I enrich

I ate the following

Sweet chilli wrap, with salad and mayo
KFC hot wings
Mexican burger from maccy d’s
Chicken and chutney burger
Beef burgers with reggae reggae
Reggae reggae wraps
Spicy pizza
Naan
Mash
Pork burger
Hot dogs
Bacon
Cheese pizza
Pasty

With the exception of the last 2 I loved them all.

But I didn’t feel cured

Today I do, its been over 4 weeks since I ate a crisp and just 6 weeks since I started this journey, 27 years of learned behaviour has been eliminated in just weeks!!!!! , no crisps, out of choice, I’m not not denying myself anything, I simply don’t want them, life is so much better without

A few weeks ago I got closer, with some public eating

This weekend is what showed me I was fixed , a friend and I went for a Meal together, see, 7weeks ago I wouldn’t eat infront of anyone but a hand full of people, again since then, I have been eating in fast food joins (I know) without issue, but this was a meal, it wasn’t like the rest. I was a little apprehensive, but it felt so natural, I loved the meal, the setting, the company, the experience, I now get it why people talk about food.

But that wasn’t enough for me, so Sunday, was meal time with one of my kids, pizza hut this time, taxan bbq wings, chicken strips with dip, garlic bread and a veggie supreme pizza (millions of bits) on I loved having different things on the table, tastes, smells, mmmm, of course I didn’t eat everything, don’t worry folkes, I’ll never ever get back with my old self, fat gaz, you’ll never see that man again.

Food is sooooo filling, crisps are not, going for meals is great, being scared, isn’t.

I’m fixed, cured, happy with my new found food relationship, I can’t pretend I’ve done it all myself, but I’m immensely proud of what I have achieved and in such a short time.

Next up is a curry with Chris and joby, any other cyclist wanna join us?

Oh and some of Alberto contadors steak ;0)

I’m not the person I was 3 weeks ago, never mind 3 years, I can walk tall amount men now.

I feel that I can now move on in life, the next few chapters will be amazing, I now have the nutrition to go race, and I’ve the toughness to get the job done in the sprint finish

Could a former 39 Stone Cyclist, with past eating disorders become a race winner????

I dare you to bet against me!!!!!!!

Think this is the end??????? There are many more chapters to my story and why I was who I was, we’re are just getting started on the truth behind weight and eating, so pass this on and lets move forward
.

Livestrong, lovestrong,

Battlestrong

Be strong

Love life

Gaz

My name is Clive Chapman and I’m an addict…A Guest Post By Clive.

Note from Gaz, I have a few guest post’s lined up, if you want to submit one, just leave a comment with your emails and i’ll come back to you:

 

Clive, it’s over yo you….

I guess an introduction is in order. I’m Clive Chapman, I’m 48 years young, married with a 5 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. Some of you may remember that I used to blog about weight loss through cycling, after being inspired to do so weighing 22 stones 4 pounds in June 2009, originally by cycling/weight loss bloggers Frank Kinlan, then James Ashberry and our very own Gaz here! Their sites are still very much up and running! My Blog though not updated anymore can still be found here. http://massivemtber.wordpress.com/

I’ve kept in touch via text and email with Gaz regularly since around 2010 and I had a text off him this week asking me to do a guest post as he won’t be around for a bit and he kindly said folks who used to read my blog (and his) would be interested in an update since my last entry in April this year.

So here goes…

Interesting stuff first. Bikes. I’m very much still cycling, mainly at the weekends and I’m still in love with bikes! In April I had 4 bikes. My Giant Defy road bike, my self built eBay Carbon Framed road bike, my full suspension Specialized FSR MTB and my single speed, rigid forked, steel framed Genesis IO MTB.

I now have 3 bikes. I sold my Carbon Road bike on eBay as it wasn’t being used, I had intended to use it as Summer “best bike”, but when I’m in “best bike” mood in the Summer I go MTBing! Not long afterwards I sold my Specialized FSR. I never bonded with this bike, it was ok, a bit too much bike for the trails I live by now since I moved house last September and it had one or two ground clearance issues that narked me. It had to go. That left me with my Giant Defy a brilliant road bike for the money it cost me and my singlespeed Genesis IO. Which I use to go MTBing with my 5 year old son Dan. His kiddies bike (a good one) is singlespeed and rigid forked so I use the Genesis as an equaliser to know how he is doing. Plus it’s a great “around the Village” errand bike.

My new MTB is an idea I wanted to fulfil since I was towpath commuting back in my blogging days. A steel framed, belt driven, hub geared MTB. The ideal low maintenance commuter. But since I moved to the trails I live by now, with a suspension fork added, the bike becomes a brilliant low maintenance off road machine.

 

 

 

 

I sourced all of the parts from eBay, got the belt drive kit from Mark at Milk Bikes (Google it), had my eBay Cotic Simple frame reworked by a genius old school frame builder Lee Cooper in Coventry (Google Lee Cooper Frames) and hey presto my idea was born. With a super Reynolds 853 steel frame, Roxshox suspension and a brilliantly reliable Alfine 8 speed hub powered by a lovely quiet belt it has rapidly become my all time favourite bike, with a ride quality that in my opinion beats Carbon and Aluminium hands down. Only a Titanium frame would beat it!

That’s the bike story caught up. Now onto weight. I got down to 14.5 stones in the summer of 2011, which considering my fighting weight when I was playing Rugby, in the Military and as fit as a Butcher’s Dog was around the 14 stones mark wasn’t too bad. I’m now hovering around 18 stones. Which moves up and down by a few pounds depending on how often I can cycle and how the food management goes.

 

No excuses next, just a series of facts.

My last job was situated 13 miles away which meant I could commute by bike, either on the road or by canal towpath. I sat in an office all day largely alone and was in control of food intake.

This job at Jaguar Landrover is 42 miles away and precludes a cycle commute. We are a one car family (wifey has the car for her work), so I motorbike. My work hours are 6 in the morning until 3:30 in the afternoon. (That’s a 0500hrs get up), there is no Public Transport from my house to Coventry operating at the times I need, so a Park and Ride is out. This means getting my exercise is very difficult for a naturally lazy bastard like me. My daily timings after work are very tight due to Child Care arrangements, I have to be back at a certain time to look after the kids. Add on cooking, general house admin and other family stuff, plus falling into my chair totally fecked at around 7:30pm means not much room for manoeuvre. Oh and my Rugby Coaching as well, musn’t forget that!

Let’s talk about food. I lived a pretty solitary existence in my last job, at Jaguar Landrover I’m very much not alone, after training when I moved to my permanent team (a crushingly good bunch of folks) I discovered very quickly that food would be a challenge. Here’s why.

The main reason is I’m surrounded by people who are constantly eating. And I mean constantly! They start with Porridge or cereal first thing, then off to the canteen at 10:00am for a sandwich, then at 11:00am it’s something like a cake or biscuits, then at 12:00pm it’s dinner, usually a curry or a bolognaise, After dinner is a conveyor belt of biscuits. Oh and let’s not forget the regular Birthdays when the celebrant brings in cakes and or Curry starters. They’re not normal!

 

As you may recall in my last job I went from getting up, working all day with the cycle commutes, to home time for an evening meal with out eating, or the odd banana, or bowl of porridge. Faced by the onslaught of food here at Jaguar Landrover, by dinnertime I’m struggling and very hungry. Usually I can hold out, but I do have the odd bad day (not very many I’m proud to say) when I succumb to temptation and take the offered food. I am still not carrying cash as I still can’t trust myself not to buy stuff. This is making my working day very trying.

Weekends, ah weekends. Now the difficulties really kick in and I’m reminded just what a food and drink issue I really have. Friday is the family evening out at the legendary (now thankfully reopened) Dodford Inn. At 4:30pm we are walking through the door and I’ll have 3 to 4 real ales and a take away afterwards. I’ve always done that even when I was losing the weight successfully. But I’m back to drinking at home too Friday evenings after the Dodford Inn and on Saturday evenings. I’m talking 3 or 4 bottles of ale. I don’t get drunk, I’m totally in charge of my faculties (obviously I don’t drive). But, and I alluded to this in a draft of a piece that I had published in What Mountain Bike, am I an alcoholic? Not a falling down drunk who is ruining family life and can’t contribute positively at work and in life. Because I’m not. But some one who can’t not drink. Is there levels of alcoholism? I don’t know. I know when I drink I eat too much, I always have done. Is the ale the “elephant in my weight loss room?”

I’m guessing yes. No not guessing I know it is. But I enjoy ale. I enjoy the atmosphere of a good pub. The thought of cutting back or stopping is not yet on my radar. I could cite various stresses I have been under, job loss, a nightmare of a house move, a family member with a serious case of depression, another family member suicidal. Hell fire, even my Son is permanent stress with his hyper behaviour. But I won’t. It’s all bollocks. It’s nothing any other family doesn’t have to cope with every day of the week.

I drink Friday and Saturday because I like too. Simple as that. I look forward to an ale and the pub. Drink causes me to eat more. So my good weekly calorific intake is negated at the weekends. Even with my off road pedal on my Cotic with (or without) Dan taken into account. And as we all know it’s not the exercise that counts, it’s the food management if you want to lose weight that matters the most.

So that’s where I am. In summary I am 4 stones lighter than I was in June 2009 and maintaining that. But I’m also 4 stones heavier than I was this time last year.

 

 

 

 
I haven’t yet sat down and planned a strategy to deal with my new working circumstances and the ale issue. I know I need to if I want to start getting back down towards 14 stones again. In my usual blunt assessment of myself, I’m not certain when that’ll happen at the moment.

But it’s not how many times you get knocked down that matters, it’s how many times you get back up.

In the absence of my blog, you can follow me on Twitter @CliveBees for all things, bike, weight, rugby and life related. Bees is my Rugby Club by the way, that of Birmingham & Solihull Bees. I’m on Facebook too.

So, many thanks to the ever inspirational Gaz for the opportunity to update you all. I’m sorry it’s not the glorious story of continuing success that you all hoped for. Just another chapter of a never ending War against food and drink addiction.

My name is Clive Chapman and I’m an addict…

 

Just Say Those Three Little Words……A Guest Post By Bill

Note from Gaz, I have a few guest post’s lined up, if you want to submit one, just leave a comment with your emails and i’ll come back to you:

Ok, Bill, Take it away !!!!!
Like many in my position, I struggle to find ‘normal’ clothes, let alone cycling gear! Whilst perusing ebay, I think I found the perfect jersey: “Team Fat Bastard, the eating club with a cycling disorder….”

I’m 36 and my bathroom scales have to be engineered by NASA. Like you, I have been inspired and motivated by Gaz and his story. I don’t think anyone who reads these pages can feel otherwise. The frankness and clarity with which he describes his journey, along with the honesty when admitting mistakes, provides us all with a superb model to follow. Gaz, we salute you mate.

I’m only just starting on my journey, 3 months in to be exact. I have been ‘trying’ (honestly dear) for longer, but whilst I was loosing weight through careful eating, things weren’t going a quickly as I wanted. Actually, to be honest, it wasn’t a case of what I wanted, it’s what was needed.

So here I am, 10kg down on where I started, and the proud owner of 2 bikes. A long way to go yet, but I think I’ve done the hard bit. I’ve started. So this is why I’m writing this post for you, I’m going to share with you how to start! Quite simply, you need 3 things in your life: Inspiration, Motivation & Effort.

Inspiration can come from anywhere; family, friends, TV, music etc. But this is done already for you. You’re READING your inspiration! This site and all the links provide plenty of inspiration. So we can tick that one off (see, a third of the way there and you’ve not had to lift a finger!).

Motivation seems to be a tricky one. It’s not. Try this: If you don’t loose weight, you will die early. Could be 3 years early, could be next week. No matter, you will leave this planet a fat git who went too soon. Of course, scaring people into weight loss doesn’t work (it didn’t work for me for 15 years). I did it through love. Love for my daughter. Love for my wife. Love for my family. Love for my friends. Plus, to quote Aerosmith, “I don’t want to miss a thing”. If none of that works for you, give yourself some targets. Gaz has put some brilliant examples on here. They can be performance related, weight related, or lifestyle related. Personally, I would LOVE to go swimming (too embarrassed). I also have a suit, 2 shirts and some cycling gear in my wardrobe that I’m determined to fit into.

Effort is the tricky one. It’s tricky not because it hurts, or costs money, or is difficult to do. It’s tricky because nothing that I can type here will make you do something. It’s down to YOU. All I can suggest is go over your inspiration and motivation time and time again till it f*****g sinks in!! Then get your arse off the sofa and do something! You won’t regret it, and once you start, you won’t stop. I promise.

(Notice that none of the above need cost any money. So no excuses.)

I could talk for hours about bikes, and equipment choice, and routes, and Wiggo, but I won’t. That’s for another day. I’ll finish by wishing all the best of luck on your journey, no matter how far down the road you are. You WILL succeed, you WILL feel great and you WILL inspire others. Oh, and we WILL do the Manchester to Blackpool ride together one day……

 

PS: My jersey has just been ordered off ebay. Two sizes too small of course 😉

Selective Eating Disorder Update.

Evening All.

I wanted to cover over a few details, about SED, I have posted before, but as I am now winning this, my final battle, I wanted to cover off somethings again.

“Also known as perseverative feeding disorder, or picky/fussy eating, Selective Eating Disorder is expressed in an aversion to certain foods, leaving a narrow range of foods deemed acceptable (usually 10 foods or less), and an extreme refusal to try new foods”

For me, it was MUCH worse, for all I has eaten was crisps, haribo type sweets and chocolate…. THAT was it, no wonder I was 40 stone you say ? I agree , but, how did I lose what I lost eating that ?

Truth be told, it wasn’t that difficult  , I just ensured I took in less calories than I used.

But , there is a flip side, I didn’t really have a social life, sure my kids got to go to pizza hut etc, but it was always awkward , sitting there, not eating, Xmas dinner was always a NIGHTMARE !

So, my diet had to be fixed, for a better social life and for a better future, for me and my kids, for my diet wasn’t conducive to a long life if the truth be told.

……It was never about the food, if I was to get fixed, but it was about the “issues” in my life, for all eating disorders are in the mind and nowhere else.

See, when trying a new food, almost made you breakdown, when most people wouldnt even think twice about, was a huge thing to get over, but you need the right support, the right help, no one can beat an eating disorder in an “Unhealthy Environment” I cant say more at this stage.

Now Im not in that place anymore and I have AMAZING support, Let me update you where I am.

After 25 plus years eating “Crap” I am now a week down the line from totally cutting myself off from crisps , here are the details.

So I have eaten ZERO Crips in pretty much 7 days now, have I missed them ? NOT at all….I feel fuller on much less calories , eating hot food is a new ball game and one that I am totally loving.

But another , unexpected bonus to this is that I can now go shopping and no longer I am stuck to the crisp isle, frozen with fear from going elsewhere, I wander round, looking at all the new stuff I can try , something just tonight was Garlic Bread, at the recommendation of someone who has been an utter utter rock, I cooked it myself, after cooking stuff for others and you know what, I loved it so much, I had a couple more slices fly into the oven.

I didnt even frequent the crisp isle this evening either.

Another bonus is not being ashamed at the till, of having shopping filled with “Snacks” and thus trying to get out ASAP before the cashier makes an “innocent comment”, sure its not a picture of health, but its a darn sight better than ever before and will, in time, only get better, as a point in question I pick up some bananas , water and other fruit the other day.

 

Public Eating:

Public eating for people with SED is also a huge issue, well, this week, I nailed that too, for me and my sister rocked up to a FULL KFC and enjoyed ourselves

http://theformer39stonecyclist.chipin.com/the-former-39-stone-cyclist

 Book Title…

How about “The Re-Building Of Man” it would cover weight gain, weight loss, becoming a cyclist and of course me beating my eating disorder , or do you guys have any further ideas?

Cycling Update:

It’s been 3 weeks now since I last cycled, I feel like I have lost fitness, but there are bigger fights to win right now than fitness, I do intend to enter a national race in the new year, so will need to get back on it soon, but now I have a handle on my eating, its not something I need to worry about, if I dont get back on it, i’ll miss the race, but it wont cause me any issues with my weight, so its not an issue, this blog is the 39 stone cyclist though and I still fully intend to still be the man I was , only now, a much better version !!!!

LiveSTRONG

EatWELL

RideHARD

STAY HAPPY !